Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.