@stephenjmolloy

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

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@badbanana

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

@SleepingSuspect

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?

Big Bruiser: copy

Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?

Killdozer: all ears

Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?

Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names

@junejuly12

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

@FrogAvalanche

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

@jonnysun

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

@iamjohnsarris

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.