Boss: "Do you know why I've called you into my office?" Into My Office: "Because that's my name?" Boss: "Yes, that's right."

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling

Stupid is an understatement for this one

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

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