@stephenjmolloy: Boss: "Do you know why I've called you into my office?"
Into My Office: "Because that's my name?"
Boss: "Yes, that's right."
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@fishbowel: Me: I drug tested our son Wife: and? Me: he failed Wife: oh no Me: he doesn’t know anything about drugs, he didn’t even know what weed was
@mommy_cusses: When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
@lurve_meh: It's all fun and games until you realize you're the girl at work known as "how is she still employed."
@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight? ME: uhh…yeah…of course [later] ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
@Dustinkcouch: doctor: you need to eat healthy me: no doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died me: oh my goodness doctor: in a plane crash me: that sounds unrelated doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.
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