@stephenjmolloy

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

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@salmarch79

I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

@kelllicopter

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not sure if this clerk is smiling at me bc he knows I’m high or bc we’re both high, but it’s been 6 minutes and we’re still just smiling

@rebrafsim

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

@carlyken

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

@DreamerDixie

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.