BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
They’re the worst 😩
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.