BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.