Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.