[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
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Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected