The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.