windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
A deer, a female deer.
A hunter, with a gun.
A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok