Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Good Morning.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“you recording!?”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.