@WilliamAder

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

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@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@copymama

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

@3sunzzz

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

@GrantTanaka

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

@polyxendi

A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.

@abbycohenwl

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

@fro_vo

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok