“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
and now we wait
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.