Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy


Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.


[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out


Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.


I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance


You know what makes this pineapple on my pizza taste even better?
– Your disapproval


[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?


If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.


Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.