Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
so much to do
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”