[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?