My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
what it’s like dating me:
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.