boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
i meant to share this earlier
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.