Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
You Might Also Like
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.