boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Waiting for the Charmin
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…