“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup