@Parentpains

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

@mattytalks

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

@turkeyheadmac

No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive
I won’t have a clue how to get back here

@FeralFerrell

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

@jessokfine

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

@SwedishCanary

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@UnicornSyrup

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

@lmegordon

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.