Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

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Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking


I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”


No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive
I won’t have a clue how to get back here


Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again



Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you


Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.


I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.


Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?


To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.


I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.