*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
You Might Also Like
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Bit chilly again tonight.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.