Boss: How come I don’t see you doing any work?
Me: Because you have no imagination!

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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.


So…….this Halloween do we wear our masks under our masks or do we wear our masks over our masks?


Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.


Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”


What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?


Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.


Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best


The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.


Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.