@ReeseButCallMeV

Boss: How come I don’t see you doing any work?
Me: Because you have no imagination!

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

@AScottishScott

So…….this Halloween do we wear our masks under our masks or do we wear our masks over our masks?

@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

@SteveSuckington

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

@mommajessiec

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@CM2BTTHD

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

@Mom_Overboard

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.