[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
😂😂😂
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.