Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.