Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Batman v Dracula
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances