BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.