Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Unexpected Judgment
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
fly smarter, not harder
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.