[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
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1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.