@AndyAsAdjective

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

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@BrainFumbles

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

@squirrel74wkgn

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

@RodLacroix

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

@That_Damn_Duck

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

@hazelmotes1

It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.

@UnFitz

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

@Alvildalikely

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@ohheyohhihello

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.