i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
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wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?