Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You Might Also Like
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.