@MarfSalvador

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

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@ohheyohhihello

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

@EmmaUtters

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

@Steve_Enn

If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.

@CornOnTheGoblin

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@Rollmaninoz

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

@TweetPotato314

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?