Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.


wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous


Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me


If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.


cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there


It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.


Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire


[enter password]


[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right


Login Successful


Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?