Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?