BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
i did the math
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie