@truegritrumble

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

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@bridger_w

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

@sixfootcandy

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@CyborgHanky

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

@SoVeryBritish

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

@Tommytoughstuff

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

@PaperWash

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

@JasonIsbell

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

@drinksmcgee

[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.

@FunnyBison

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.