BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
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I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
When someone trying to leave me
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
rapatouille
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*