Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You Might Also Like
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
shut up and take my money
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.