Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay