Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
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I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Good morning, Twitter x
I just tested negative for patience.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*