@WheelTod

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

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@CooIStepDad

[Riot]

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

*far in the back*

PIZZA ROLLS

“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”

PIZZA ROLLS

“JIM”

But I’m hungry 🙁

@Lazer_Cat_

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

@carlyken

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

@JuiceTooWayvie

Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me

@SondraDeeMe

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The only time a man has ever asked me “do you have a sister?” was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.

@Cheeseboy22

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

@RauschJohn1

Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏

@Annekinns

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

@neiltyson

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.