Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

You Might Also Like




*far in the back*


“No Jim we want freedom”



But I’m hungry 🙁


*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*


Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few


Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me


If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.


The only time a man has ever asked me “do you have a sister?” was just to make sure he avoided dating her too.


I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.


Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏


You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac


To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.