BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.