boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
You Might Also Like
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.