Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
When I said I liked it rough.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Trying
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Go hard or stay average