Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
How funny!
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.