BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did