BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You Might Also Like
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.