“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me: can u buy me a drink
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I’m close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word “awesome” 10 times in a row to describe a guy.
Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…
“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”