Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?


Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how


Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”


Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.


Me: *jazz hands*


Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.


Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?


I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.


“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me