Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

You Might Also Like


“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney


Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher


Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…


me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot



me: can u buy me a drink


Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.


Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?


All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside


I’m close to $100,000 deep in student loans for my English degree and I just used the word “awesome” 10 times in a row to describe a guy.


“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”