Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

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Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.


“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.


*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?


I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.


I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.


911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”


Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.


*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”


Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.