Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Me: *jazz hands*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Don’t trust anybody who owns a working printer.
“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me