Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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I have so many questions.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Sing it!
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
tell em, edith-anne
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me