Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

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I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*


Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”


Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.


I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.


My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday


Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”



If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.


Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee


fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin