Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

@refreshingslurp

Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how

@Darlainky

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

@theshantilly

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

@DurtMcHurtt

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

@funnyordie

Don’t trust anybody who owns a working printer.

@jauntyloki

“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him

@thequeensheart

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

@Mothpete

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.

@IDontSpeakWhine

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me