@GABBYdaAngSaya

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

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@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

@djdarrellripley

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

@ClichedOut

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

@shesatornado

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

@SharkJelly

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

@KimmyMonte

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin