Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.