BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
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My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’