Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Okay, I’m still confused…
my nickname in college
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath