Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
When I laugh on my period
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.