boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
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My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Did…did a minotaur write this
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces