I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”