Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I didn’t come here to be called names
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.