BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
bout dat hot dog summer
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
(Musicians.)
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names