BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.