Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
🤣
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.