@brynnester

Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
Boss: See

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@TitansHomer

Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”

Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”

@storming01

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

@joeyfullystated

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.

@roboticcrab

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

@adamlucidi

The How I Met Your Mother series will end tonight & everyone is thinking the same thing…if only it were The Big Bang Theory instead.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

@trumpetcake

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

@Jamie1947

Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?