Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

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Somehow every app knows exactly when its password will be squeezed out of my mind to make room for other stuff, and it chooses that moment to demand it from me again.


*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*



Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop


Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.


The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war


[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself