BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna


I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people


Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.


*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit



I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls


ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse


There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.


I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”


Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.


I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”