BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
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If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Just grow your own
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.