BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Life hack
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
They grow up so quick
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.