Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.