BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.